A lot of things are gong through my head times like these. I don’t know what to feel or what to say. I’m just blank. I sometimes wonder what this feeling is. It kinds makes your life dull. Boring.
Times like these, I feel like listening to sad songs. Whether I understand it or not, it doesn’t matter. I just want to feel the depressing notes flutter around my head. I feel like staying in bed. As if I was ill. Times like these, I get angry easily. I feel like people won’t leave me alone and I always have to move, which is something I hate doing when I’m in this mood. I feel like walking round and round. No matter how long, or how far. I just feel sad. I sometimes long for someone to accompany me or for someone to tell me what to do or to comfort me.
It makes me feel like I need a hug from someone. I want to feel his/her arms wrap around my body. It will probably make me feel better but the last time I wanted someone to hug me, no one did. And it sucks because I feel like no one cares for me anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m making myself too inferior. So inferior that people can just throw anything at me or make me do anything.
Time like these, I feel like I shouldn’t even be here. There were a couple of times wheni just wanted to let go of everything and disappear. But I can’t do that without dying and I don’t want to die. Maybe I’d move somewhere. Somewhere without any pressure, without any troubles or responsibilities. I want to feel like I don’t need to care for anyone. Like I don’t need to do something to achieve a goal or to do something to please a person.
This feeling makes me tired and sad at the same time. I guess it kind of kills you on the inside. It makes you feel like it’s rotting every cell in your body, one by one. And I hate it. I despise this feeling. It’s not like I want to be sad. It just happens every once in a while. When I suddenly feel like I just want to quit school, quit being an older sister, quit being a daughter, quit being a leader, quit being a role model and start being my own self. I may sound selfish but these things are bound to happen when you live in a life full of stress. It messes up your brain. Makes you forget all the plans you’ve made for yourself. I guess you can say it makes you crazy. Life makes you realize that you’ve done a lot today. So, yeah, it’s insane. But it’s a good insane.
Daydreams and Histories 