Beautiful

 

I look at my reflection and it speaks to me

“You’re ugly, you’re fat, you’re mean, don’t you see?”

Sadness creep  in and I suddenly feel all alone

Ugly thoughts, sending chills to my bone

 

I’ve always thought that I was ugly, always second best

Wasn’t pretty or thin like the rest

My face’s a mess, pimples all on it

Unlady-like, And all my clothes won’t fit

 

I compare myself to others, they all have this glow

They look like teens while I grow up slow

I try my best to be what they want

But confidence is still something I can’t flaunt

 

I become depressed, alone and sad

Thinking of what I want instead of what I had

Not being contented, sin it can be

I should learn to love me for me

 

I am pretty too, just in my own way

Solemn at night, hyper by day

I am talented, a miss all-in-one

And never has my glow or my beauty gone

 

I look at my reflection and it speaks to me

“You’re beautiful, you’re smart, don’t you see?”

Positive thought come and I suddenly feel happy

I tell myself “There’s no one else I’d rather be than me”

Look At Me

 

It’s been a while since the first I saw you

You were quiet, tall and smart too

I glance at you with a smile so wide

Friends tease and I’d love to hide

 

My heart pounds as my breath is fast

Your smile is in my mind and it would last

You say things not normal boys would say

And it makes me blush until in my bed I lay

 

Just the thought of you, I might cry

Your beautiful laugh, I could die

If you knew, I know you’d be scared

Because love came to me, hit me, unprepared

 

You’ve insulted me, in every possible way

It hurts and the pain never goes away

I just forget it, thinking your remark was just a joke very low

But I forgot it for I just loved you so

 

I’ve thought of us, once, together one day

I then realize that I was dreaming. It can never may

For love is cruel, cruel like the sea

and never have you once looked at me

A Good Insane

 

A lot of things are gong through my head times like these. I don’t know what to feel or what to say. I’m just blank. I sometimes wonder what this feeling is. It kinds makes your life dull. Boring.

 

Times like these, I feel like listening to sad songs. Whether I understand it or not, it doesn’t matter. I just want to feel the depressing notes flutter around my head. I feel like staying in bed. As if I was ill. Times like these, I get angry easily. I feel like people won’t leave me alone and I always have to move, which is something I hate doing when I’m in this mood. I feel like walking round and round. No matter how long, or how far. I just feel sad. I sometimes long for someone to accompany me or for someone to tell me what to do or to comfort me.

 

It makes me feel like I need a hug from someone. I want to feel his/her arms wrap around my body. It will probably make me feel better but the last time I wanted someone to hug me, no one did. And it sucks because I feel like no one cares for me anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m making myself too inferior. So inferior that people can just throw anything at me or make me do anything.

 

Time like these, I feel like I shouldn’t even be here. There were a couple of times wheni just wanted to let go of everything and disappear. But I can’t do that without dying and I don’t want to die. Maybe  I’d move somewhere. Somewhere without any pressure, without any troubles or responsibilities. I want to feel like I don’t need to care for anyone. Like I don’t need to do something to achieve a goal or to do something to please a person.

 

This feeling makes me tired and sad at the same time. I guess it kind of kills you on the inside. It makes you feel like it’s rotting every cell in your body, one by one. And I hate it. I despise this feeling. It’s not like I want to be sad. It just happens every once in a while. When I suddenly feel like I just want to quit school, quit being an older sister, quit being a daughter, quit being a leader, quit being a role model and start being my own self. I may sound selfish but these things are bound to happen when you live in a life full of stress. It messes up your brain. Makes you forget all the plans you’ve made for yourself. I guess you can say it makes you crazy. Life makes you realize that you’ve done a lot today. So, yeah, it’s insane. But it’s a good insane.

4H

I have this condition that happens to me every once in a while. It’s called “hyperventilation”. It’s when my breathing becomes faster and I start crying.  It only happens when there’s a deadline that I have to meet and I feel like there’s absolutely NO WAY for me to get it done. And from the 3 times it happened to me so far, I have conducted 4H’s which happen to me before, during and after my attack.

#1: Heavy

I called this heavy because I start to get this heavy feeling. Imagine your insides tightening. Your breathing becomes unstable. That’s how I felt.  I feel like someone’s chocking my lungs. I start to feel like the upper part of my stomach is being squished. I can’t breathe even if hyperventilation is the total opposite of that. Cold sweat will run down my face and I start to get pale.

 

#2: Hysterical

THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT. I sometimes also call this my “spongebob moment” because i kinda look like spongebob when it happens.

This is where I suddenly freak out and burst into tears while breathing heavily. I’m sure you can hear my breathing from the outside of the room I stay in. I sound like I got shot or I was stabbed at my lungs. People freak out whenever this happens to me. My seatmate, Lance, was suddenly all over the place when it happened. I couldn’t blame him. Everybody was panicking. And at that point, I should start breathing in a normal rhythm.

 

#3: High

After minutes of crying so badly, I’ll finally be calm. As if, nothing ever happened. I call this stage “high” because when I was brought to our clinic, I suddenly wanted chocolate milk. The ones in a carton. When I got it, I sang like a child it’s theme song. I SOUND CRAZY. I talk like a kid and I suddenly ask what happened. The events fly too fast and I’d want to know what happened. At this point, I should be surrounded with good memories.

 

#4: Hyper

And finally, when I’m all good and calm, I get to be hyper. Again, as if nothing happened. It’s kinda scary to the people around me considering my emotional breakdown just a few minutes ago. But I guess it’s a way for me to get the mood back on and show everyone that I’m alright.