Beyond the Mirror

I read a quote that once said “Be someone you wanna f*ck”. I waved the quote off because I didn’t really see the point to it at the time. It was only recently when I started changing te way is saw the saying. I saw it as an insult and not as a goal. If I looked into the mirror and asked myself “Would I wanna be with someone who looks like this?” My answer would be a no. In fact, I think I’ve been so obssesed into what I looked like that even when I look in the mirror, i sometimes ask myself if a real relationship would actually even in the cards for me. I obviously wouldn’t want a boyfriend now, but feeling beautiful or important at least a few times would ease my feelings. I always compare myself to so many people and to so many things that I end up just feeling sad and weak. Insecurities have never left me. They are the shadows I carry everyday and they corrupt me in the night (which is why I am writing this at the night). I have never seen myself as the girlfriend material. I already know I’d be a horrible one anyway. And If I can’t even be a good girlfriend, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IN ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP?! It feels like I cant even pass the first round of achieving love. I even thought of changing everything about me of it meant being loved. I know it may sound petty and that I am completely wrong, but at times of desperation, you cant help but think of all the “if’s” of your choices. And we will never find out. “What could’ve happend” or “Why couldn’t somethig elae happen” are questions I find myself often wondering because if I looked back in the mirror I could list a billion and one things I wanna change about myself.
Nicer Hair…
White skin…
No Fat…
Lady-like…
20-20 vision…
Skinnier thighs…
I will never be able to get over these things. Ever. I will always compare myself and feel sorry as well. I will always look and the mirror and slightly laugh at the thought of anyone wanting to even spend a night with me. I will always remind myself tht I must accept the fact that I might end up like some of my relatives: Old and unmarried. That I will never be happy and I will end up alone. Without anyone to love. But a small part of me will always wish that all these will not come true. A small space that is always ready to accept anything near that. Anything remotely close to that. And it is a bittersweet space to fill.

10 Weird Facts About Me

I guess everyone has these things right? We all have those weird things that make us happy or we just naturally have or things we find awesome. Here are just some of mine.

1. I DIE FOR ALMONDS

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They are my bae. I love nothing else than chewing on these babies for a year.

2. I have a constant need to brush my teeth.

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It’s a good weird, i guess. I just don’t like the feel of grease or stickyness in my mouth. Makes me cringe and feel dirty. I’m one of those “I’d-rather-brush-my-teeth-than-bathe” kind of people.

3. I love the feeling of wearing socks.

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I’d rather wear them than slippers honestly. Although I DID fall down the stairs because of them, nothing can replace the great feeling of warm, fuzzy cloth wrapping my feet.

4. I walk fairly fast.

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I guess it’s because I always listen to music when I walk around school and I feel like a spy or someone’s chasing me so I go with the music, causing me to walk faster… Or maybe it’s just cuz I don’t wanna be late for class. 😉

5. I find girls really pretty if they have nice slim fingers and/or legs that look awesome in jeans.

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I find them so pretty in a woman. Long slender (but not so slender) fingers make her look sophisticated and clean to me. Girls who look awesome in jeans make me feel like: “oh, she must have a really nice body” feel.

6. I have a weird love for tupperwares/organizers.

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I guess this trait was passed on by my mom who is loving organizers. I love seeing the empty containers and the joy it will bring me once i fill them all up! Ooooooh!

7. I am a polygot-wannabe.

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I have a mission to learn as many languages as I can. And I would love to know how to speak these languages so I can use them to my advantage. I knew learning english early was a HUGE benefit so learning other languages would be too! (I am fluent in English and Filipino, am learning Chinese, slowly picking up Korean and self-teaching French. Other languages I wanna learn are Italian, German and Spanish.)

8. I like coventional hot guys but I LOVE awkward, nerdy boys.

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The first guy I liked that wasn’t conventional was youtuber, Will Darbyshire (the guy up top!) and ever since, I’ve liked nerdy boys more and more. (Like, Garett from Buzzfeed!) If they wear glasses, additional points! (so we can talk ’bout contacts and being blind and stuff!)

9. For a girl who doesn’t have a nice body, I’m fairly confident without a top.

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This is VERY weird because I’m at 156 pounds (used to be 128) and for some reason, I love my figure now, more than before! I know i love my bod with little habits I’ve noticed, that I will keep secret! 😉

10. I easily adapt to weather.

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This also means that I don’t get cold easily. I’m very warm in my own skin! I guess it’s because my mind wants adjusting to be quick and well, i guess getting cold is only psychological? 🙂

Too Good’s Bad (part II)

You know how we always say “good people are the most taken advantage of”?. It’s true. Every cell of my body, as of this moment, 100%, agrees, without a shadow of doubt. In this world, it is always kill, or get killed.

In usually happens, in my case, with ELENA (not real name but yeh). She is the world to me and I love her to bits. But she has these moments when she always feels like everyone is against her. Just a while ago, she was teaching me something but she thinks I became a smart-mouth and decides to burst out on me. And i’m there, sitting like a total “deer in the headlights”, thinking “WHY THE FRICK IS THIS WOMAN ANGRY AT ME?”. And then she makes this weird claim on how I’m being a prick like TAYLOR (not her real name but) and on how we both are “Ms. Know-it-all”s. She then tells me that she is being too nice, which is why we take advantage of her lots of times. And i try to relax and think about being mature. But she continues to scold me and I’m there, eyes filled to the brim with tears, waiting to just get home and cry. It was awful. But then i remember that one time she and Taylor had a fight and because Taylor is more stubborn than me, Elena ends up being the first to say sorry. And now, she expects ME to say sorry. It’s unfair because everyone knows how kinder and more sweet i am than Taylor. I get to be ignored and shouted at while she goes buddy-buddy with Taylor. It’s absurd seeing how the world is being such an a** and on how the good people become the victim. This is what the real world looks like, folks. There are the prey and the predators. And I am a prey, as of now.

A lesson to all: NEVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE GOOD AND HAPPY PEOPLE. You don’t know how sad they are behind the mask they unconciously put on.

Too Good’s Bad

I was always told that you must be a “good girl”. That being a good kid was solely the only thing, other than my studies, I could contribute as a child that would make my parents be as happy as a baby panda. And to be honest, for a 16 year-old, I’m doing really, really well.

I have never smoked anything and I don’t plan to. I’ve never snuck out, I’ve never done something they don’t like, I’ve never failed or repeated a grade level, I’ve never disaapointed them in grades, I help at home, I clean when I can, I’ve never secretly drunk alcohol, I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a hidden relationship with one, I’ve, basically, almost became the world’s most obedient child. I’m one good deed away from being America’s sweetheart. I did everything and anything my parents and my elders told me to do. But sometimes, i start to doubt whether or not being the good girl is a good thing.

Like i said, i grew without a backbone. So everything just hits me like a rock. I’m frikin sensitive and i cry a lot. There are times in life, though, when I become so good that even the irrelevant becomes bad. I have done things that, for the sake of being good, ruined walls. I have said things that, for the sake of being right, made me the easiest target for bullies. I have turned down opportunities that, for the sake of being the “good girl”, made me regret all my actions to the point of eternal despair. In my head, doing them were right. THEY WERE RIGHT! I was doing it because it’s right! But why does it feel wrong? Why does it feel wrong when you do something that’s right? When you know, it’s right? Being right could probably be in a billboard-sized, neon-colored sign seen in any angle in the world but still feel vague and wrong. It would still make you doubt and feel unsure. Is it me? Or is it because society is so messed up that doing the right things make them sound wrong, now?

Like i said, maybe if i wasn’t a good girl, things would be different. I wouldn’t always feel guilty and i wouldn’t always be the good girl i always am. Sometimes, i wonder if being right so much would lead me to become a monster. It might lead me to become the opposite. And not because my views have changed. Rather, yours. You might see me as the wronged. You might see me as the one who couldn’t just sit down and shut up and have her head nodding all the time. You might see me as the only indifferent person who wants to be right all the time. Little do you know that the way i see society now couldn’t be more contrary to what you see i am as.

Numb and Soundless

I grew up in a very open-communicated family. Whenever we had fights or disagreements, i never failed to be asked to say what i wanted. My parents felt that they should hear my side of the story, which I love about the way they raised us. It’s a democratic world after all. But lately, I’ve been having my doubts.

I usually tell people how strong i am and on how bad-a** I am. I brag on how my group of friends are guys and on how I’m not afraid of spiders. It’s really no big deal for me. But if I were to be very honest, I know that I am still a very emotional and sensitive person. I’m not the type to stand up for myself, which something I noticed very recently.

I never talk back to my parents and I never speak informal to my elders. Being Asian, I grew up in a very strict environment towards elders, which is maybe why I don’t have a back bone. I’m very easily persuaded and I’m usually not strong on my views when it’s my family we’re talking about. It’s very strange on how i grew up in a so open-communicated place that I lost my voice in all the opinions floating in the air. I end up saying what i want but in the end, whoever i’m dealing with still wants to force that his/her idea is right. And it ends up getting bigger and bigger.

As i grew older, whenever i had an argument, I end up not saying anything instead. Maybe because I start to tell myself “What’s the point? You know she/he won’t back down, you won’t back down. We’re just running around in circles” and so I stop. I just give up. If anything, I ran away from it. I’m the type who doesn’t like fights and would much rather prefer mature and calm talks over brawls and screaming.

I guess somehow, the only way to not make evrything worse, is to not feel if it isn’t your place. If you’re the younger, you’re the one who made the mistake. If you’re the one who made the mistake, you can’t cry. If you cry, you need to control your emotions. It’s always that never ending cycle. That is the reason why I write in this blog. It’s because I never got the freedom to say what I want to say because every time I do, the idea gets beaten up. I want to express myself with someone just listening. I just want someone to hear me. But it’s always just “no, you’re wrong”. I have never had an argument that I was right. I’m ALWAYS wrong. and being the younger, I HAVE to step down. I HAVE to say sorry, I HAVE to take the blame. It’s very tiring.

These are the times where I ask myself if I should talk back. If I should do what they do; shut down and stand firm on your opinion and NEVER back down. Not care if the whole world explodes. But i’m not. It’s sad on how I used to be so good in airing out my feelings and talking to people and just letting them know what goes through my head every time. And now, not even a whisper could escape my lips.

Not My Own Body

It’s scary to think on how just a few hours ago, I was real close into passing out on my bed as soon as my head touched the pillow to now, being a 100%, surely, with no doubt, positively wide awake. It’s scary.

If I had to describe what I feel right now, I can honestly tell you that I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know why but for some reason i decided to write about this. I don’t know why but it just felt different. I felt like i was a lifeless body lying down, trying to sleep. It’s scary to think that my own body might be my enemy. Kind of makes me doubt whether or not, I know myself. But, in reality, I know myself more than anyone. I know i do. There are a thousand things that run through my head and I can keep my mouth shut about it. It’s somehow a superpower now. I became from being the ms.goody-two-shoes that tells the whole world her life story to a person who can look quiet on the outside but has actually already killed you 50 times in 25 different ways.

Things are just bustling in and out of my brain. I think of all the possible and impossible things that could happen, might have happened, and is happening. It’s weird that I think of the most irrelevant things out there, like: why do cocks wake up real early? Will I get married to Joe Sugg? What are my friends doing back in Davao? Should I try on that shirt mom bought me? Will Bob love me the way i still do? When will I reply to my teacher about that project? It’s disturbing and stressful to think about all these thoughts before trying to sleep. I mean, who would want to think about all this? No one does. But for some reason, even if I try to sleep,mi end up drifting back to nonsensical things and it scares the absolute poop out of me on how my brain has a mind of its own. (It should but…ya know).

I guess what I’m trying to say is right now, I don’t know what I feel. I feel nothing. It’s scary. I don’t feel sad because there’s nothing to be sad about but i also don’t feel happy because there isn’t anything to be happy about. So why can’t I be in peace? For some reason, i just can’t be in peace. Again, things are always running through my head and it’s agonizing to think that even my own body, I can’t control. I toss and turn, in every direction, in every way but i still end up not being able to find peace. How horrible is it to hear that a person can’t find peace because she can’t escape from herself? That she can’t escape her thoughts and become, for once, free? It makes me feel sick, knowing that I could control this. It’s my body and I don’t have a say to what i think and don’t think now? How can someone live like that? The answer? You tell me.

So, as I write this, at 1 in the morning, I think to myself: will this do you good? Will airing it all out in the best way possible help you sleep? Help you find the peace you’re looking for? Well, i sure hope so. Cause if I don’t, a huge monster will grow inside of me until I am left with nothing but an empty mind, heart and soul. It’s scary

That One Guy…

If I were to be honest to myself, I’d say I’ve never been inlove. I mean, how could i? i’m just a chubby 15 year-old that knows nothing about love. I can say that I have never loved anyone. Other than families and friends, I’ve always felt “addicted infatuation” rather than love. I was sure! Love was different.

But this is about a guy that I have been connected to my whole life. Ever since we were young. I can’t say his name, so I’ll just name him “BOB”. (just a random name, really XD)

So, bob and I aren’t just friends. We’re family friends. His mom and dad are my mom and dad’s friends. To make things better, his older sister was my best friend. We see them a lot since they live near where my dad drinks with his friends (including Bob’s dad). And it was a known universal fact (well, just to our family and his) that he liked me. His parents, my parents, and all our parents’ friends knew. But we were young. What do you expect? It was just a crush. Andi didn’t know if I had feelings to but I felt like I had. I feel like somehow, I liked him too. I was probably just in denial but I was sure that he wasn’t just a friend to me. People would tease us. Saying we’ll end up together soon and other weird assumptions adults make and I would just brush them off. They were just comments, right?

They left a few years later. I think I was around 10 or 11 when they left for Canada. It was sad, really. But I remember him shouting “Piggy!” at me before the gates closed behind me. He even repeated it twice or thrice while walking through the airport entrance. Those were his last words to me.

We never talked after that until Feb. 10, 2010. I was sick and on Facebook when he said “Hi”. We were chatting and somehow, it led to me making him guess who my crush was. I was 10 and I didn’t know anything at the time. I was young and innocent. He tried guessing but in the end, I said his nickname. And he replied “So, it’s me?” and I said yes. He then said “Ok, I like you too but…” turns out, he was just from a breakup with a girl, who I’ll just call “ANNE”. So I respected his decision when he told me he picked Anne instead of me. I even said “aww.. how sweet” but I was hurt. I was SEMI-FRIENDZONED. He sensed that I was jealous but I told him that I was happy that he’d go after the girl after a breakup. Just like in those movies. A part of me wished that I was that girl.

So I asked his sister (and my bestfriend) about his breakup. I told her Bob and I’s whole chat and she got confused, saying that he didn’t have a girlfriend. Ever. So I wasn’t sure if he lied or if he kept it as a secret but I was still sad the fact that he didn’t want me.

Of course, being the weird kid I am, I told my mom about our conversation. I was amused but she wasn’t. saying we were too young. And I thought that she was right. I WAS too young. I didn’t know anything about having a long distance relationship. I was 10! So the very next day, he told me that he couldn’t sleep about what I said and he finally decided to chose me. And I was still guilty about what my mom said. So, I told him that we WERE so young. And that he can court me when I’m in 3rd year college. And now that I think of it, I somehow “dumped” him when he already wanted me. Stupid move actually but it was the right thing. So he just logged out. I knew he was mad.

Few days later, I changed my profile picture to Nathan kress form icarly since I reaaally liked him at that time. And I was still constantly asking Bob if he was okay since he never replied. Then,out of no where, He replied! He told me “how could I be okay? Look at your profile picture!” and I realized he was probably jealous. So I immediately took a selfie and changed my profile picture. I then asked him if it was okay already and he said “why would I care? I love someone else” and my heart shattered into millions of pieces. To the point that I didn’t talk to him anymore. And for 5 years did I not talk to him.

It was 2 in the morning when I checked my facebook and saw that he asked if I was going to his sister’s 18th birthday. It’s much easier since I moved to America from our home country. After that, we started chatting daily. Even in his school time, he’d chat with me. But every time we do, I fall in love more and more and I always remind myself to not fall inlove with him because he might have his own likes or maybe he has a girlfriend and maybe I’ll be this miserable girl that keeps waiting for the impossible to happen. I keep telling myself that he’s just another guy but ever since, I have never forgotten about him. He’s always in my mind. Even before we started talking to each other again. He was always there. I keep waiting for the right time to confess to him but I’ll probably end up hurting myself. I’ll probably end up crying again and trying to move on. I didn’t want to hurt him either since I was the type to emotionally get really attached to the guys I like. I act like their mean girlfriend which I HATE. I hate myself for being like that, I hate myself for being a control freak. And I still tell myself to be normal but I end up being a big mess. I expect too much. I expect that we’ll be together or that we’ll date and we’ll live happily ever after. But I was realistic and stupid.

I don’t want to expect anything but I always pray that we’ll be together if we really are meant for each other. I want to know if we really are destined for each other. I hate that I have to wait and that I can’t see him in person. I keep thinking that we’ll be together and then I wake up and I see the reality that I’m facing and in the end, I result as a big desperate piece of cow poo. I don’t want to lose him as a friend but I wished that he felt the same way. It’s hard since I know that I’m physically not there and it hurts that I know someone could be making the move to him right now. It’s sad, really.

If I could round up the 4 things I was sure of, it’s that 1, he was far and meeting him would be walking around eggshells. 2, he could be in love with someone else better than me. 3, I had to expect less and always remind myself that I am just a smudge in his life. 4, I had feelings for him and that I wished he was mine.